This post was written by Bethany. This is our fourth update on Bethany’s cancer journey, to see older posts scroll down. Thanks for reading.

July 25

I believe in a blessing I don’t understand

I’ve seen rain fall on the wicked and the just

Rain is no measure of his faithfulness

He withholds no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain

The broken find healing in love

Pain is no measure of his faithfulness

He withholds no good thing from us

– Sara Groves, “Open My Hands”

I had chemo yesterday. I hate chemo. It’s hard to imagine that this poison being pumped into my veins is saving my life, but it is. That tension sums up so much of my life these days… so much grief and gratitude all mixed together.

One thing that could be hard for people to understand is that even on my “normal” days, I don’t feel normal. My life is not normal. I’m out of the house, I have my hair, I might have a smile on my face but I’m constantly aware that things aren’t normal.  I am so grateful that I get to have so many good days in between treatments.  But honestly? Being so damn grateful all the time can be exhausting. That probably sounds entitled and might not make sense to many people, but it’s true.  When I have a good afternoon with Nora, when I go on a date with Ben, when we get to see friends and relax, I’m always filled with a deep sense of gratitude, but what often follows is grief.  Grief for the true normal I long for, when I’m not just counting down to the next chemo treatment and the following painful sick days. I never realized that “normal” is a privilege that can be taken from you, and that makes me angry and sad and tired.

The song I quoted above is one that has been on repeat for me lately.  It’s a song I’ve listened to through many trying times in my life, and I think it holds the tension well.  It challenges me to think through my beliefs and their working out in my life. I hate so many things about this season, but the truth is that I wouldn’t trade it.  I’d like it to be over and done with, but I know that God is creating a new depth within me.  He is expanding our capacity to do hard things, to care for people well, to experience prevailing peace and presence in the midst of deep pain. I choose to believe in this season that God is withholding no good thing from us- we have exactly what we need, his love and presence being at the top of the list.  I might sing this song through tears and gritted teeth sometimes, but I cling to that truth and hope. I am filled with grief, I am filled with gratitude, I am new and I am being made new.